1.
Once, on a long trip out of town, I was sitting in the front seat of a bus. I saw people arriving at their destination and getting off the bus, each driving differently.
Some turned to the driver in a commanding voice: 'Trunk!' Some turned to the driver in a more pleasant voice and asked to open the trunk. Some said: 'Thank you, sir!' And there was someone who stopped for a moment and said: 'That was great, thank you for holding back and not talking on the phone the entire time you were driving.'.
I asked the driver what he said about each of them.
What did the one who ordered: "Trunk compartment" do to you? - The driver answered me: He humiliated me, I don't like being humiliated. But what can you do, there are people like that.
What did he do to you when he asked you in a pleasant voice to open the trunk? - The driver answered me: He made me feel like I was a human being, but between us, can't we just say a little thank you in the same breath?
What did the person who said: Thank you? Or well done? - The driver answered me: Nice of him, I appreciate that a person doesn't take me for granted. But I enjoyed the most when he told me thank you for not talking on the phone. Do you know why? Because he made me want to do more good things. It really warmed my heart that someone noticed the little things I do or don't do.
2.
In Egged's Best Driver project, I enjoyed the positive outlook. She didn't ask to tip off and tell her which driver was talking on the phone while taking out your ticket, or which driver was dipping his slice in the salad on his lap while driving. Still, my heart goes out to those drivers who didn't get into hair-raising cases, or who weren't allowed to get off the bus and help the woman with the baskets.
They had to continue on their way, because the vehicle behind them honked loudly at them and endangered traffic by stopping.
Sometimes small actions every day are much harder to do than one big one. I give a personal commendation to the driver who didn't close the door on the last person who got on, but waited for him to move a little further up, I give a high score to the one who didn't honk at the car in front of him, who tried to turn around and couldn't - but waited patiently until it moved from its place, and I have to commend the driver who patiently listened to the elderly woman who sat right behind him and didn't stop telling him stories for the entire hour-long ride.
3.
A new study from Ohio University sheds new light on the praise given to children. It found that children who receive excessive praise from their parents may be harmed by this praise.
In the study, 240 children were asked to draw a certain picture. When they finished drawing, they received written praise.
Some received normal praise and others received excessive praise. The children were then asked to draw another picture. The children with low self-esteem who received excessive praise chose to draw an easy picture. Children with high self-esteem who received excessive praise chose to draw a more difficult picture afterwards.
The researchers concluded from this study that excessive praise puts pressure on children who are in the low self-esteem category.
This is true and understandable even without conducting this type of research. It is clear that when we compliment a person, we are already weakening them.
why?
Pay attention when a person compliments another person. Unfortunately, most of the time, the stronger person compliments the weaker person. The parent compliments the child, the commander compliments the soldier, the manager compliments the employee, and so on.
Once you are on the side of the ego, you already feel small, and this sometimes causes you to feel too small, or in other words, to have lower self-esteem.
Someone who has lower self-esteem to begin with immediately takes things upon themselves and feels like they are being tested - if they praised me so much now when I succeeded, what if I don't succeed later? Therefore, they prefer to take on an easy task. And so, instead of getting stronger with the compliment, they become even weaker.
In contrast, the child with high self-esteem hears the assessment of the grade and says to himself: I'll try something harder, why won't I succeed? If he doesn't succeed, he doesn't feel like a failure, because he trusts himself and knows that he's worth it anyway.
Children with low self-esteem are the ones who need a pat on the back and encouragement at all times, but not necessarily when they succeed - but much more so when they fail. They don't need praise, they need reinforcement.
If you say to such a child: 'You are the best child in the world,' these words will pass by him and not touch him.
If you tell him: "I saw what you did just now, that was heartwarming!" he will try to do it again next time.
You didn't threaten him by saying he had to be the best all the time, or better than everyone else, but you made it clear that you saw the good deed he did and that you were supporting him.
4.
For the most part, the strong compliment the weak, but what can you do? Even older people and those who are really successful in life like to receive reinforcement.
They like to hear that they love what they did, that they enjoy what they do.
To encourage a person to do good, you need to observe their actions. See the small act and magnify it. Make the other person believe that we are not saying it to gain their sympathy. We say it because we truly think so. The act you did managed to tug at our heartstrings.
5.
When did your child trust you more?
When you flattered the second son, and then his face peeked out and you said: You're a great kid too?
Or when you saw him shaking hands with his brother, without anyone telling him to do so, and you naturally blurted out: "Wow, thank you for doing that without me asking you to.".
The child will remember the word of encouragement you blurted out casually much more than the compliment you gave him in a technical and awkward manner.
6.
Did you think you were immune to encouragement and didn't need it?
Remember when someone strengthened your hands with a kind word and see what it did for you.
I constantly receive encouraging letters about my books, and I also come off stage after a lecture and hear the words of thanks.
Sometimes people say to me: 'I would tell you how much I enjoyed this book, but you probably hear things like that all the time.'.
To that person I say: 'Yes, I write all the time, I hear responses all the time, and yet, a person never gets enough of encouragement, and perhaps I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that each of my hundreds of books was born on a carpet of words of encouragement spoken about its predecessors. Encouragement and reinforcement are the cornerstones of blessed work.'.
7.
The strongest encouragement I ever received was today: One of my granddaughters started first grade, she walked with her mother to school for the first time.
Before entering the classroom, she called me and said: "Grandma, I am now entering first grade. Please bless me, because God loves the blessings of grandmothers very, very much.".
I have never felt so strong in my blessings as I did this time, blessing her from the bottom of my heart that she will see blessing and success in all her endeavors.
With that I am finished.
I couldn't continue anymore.
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