My personal retort

September 17, 2015   

How I miss the Selichot in my shishwa. Memories... as if it were yesterday. Only it was a year ago. This year I was not at the yeshiva for the selichot, I was at home due to my illness. I pretty much lost track of time, but despite that I was updated on the date - it was time for the selichot. To be honest, it's hard for me! It's unpleasant to say, but I really didn't remember that Rosh Hashanah was this week. And anyway, everything must go on, and it's also time for me to take stock of myself. It is not easy to conduct soul-searching alone, outside of the yeshiva framework, but it is God's will and in that I will find solace. I will, therefore, take stock of myself in the best way possible. I will remember my repentance and examine what was wrong with me before and throughout the process of repentance... It was on Rosh Hashanah a few years ago, after that Tishrei I told you about before, when I fasted for the first time. The atonements in the days leading up to the holiday were a kind of soul-searching for me. Then the night of the holiday arrived. I didn't feel anything special or different, but the very next day I was filled with surprises. After hearing all the time about the blowing of the shofar, and how it "opens the gates of heaven," I went to see what all the talk was about. I arrived from home equipped with a dome (to be honest, I didn't exactly know what to bring, I slowly learned everything) and walked to the nearest synagogue. It was a cloudy and quiet day, I was wearing fancy clothes, and as I approached, I saw one of my Haredi neighbors who replied with a Happy New Year greeting (maybe it was something else, who remembers?). I arrived at the Gal-Ad synagogue plaza, but I did not go in. I heard the blasts of the shofar from outside, and the piercing sound penetrated my heart and caused me a spiritual experience, but from here to entering the synagogue the road was long, or rather short. I planned to leave the synagogue immediately after the explosions, but for some reason, a reason I no longer remember, I lingered in the square, until one of the young men came by chance and asked me if I wanted to pray. After thinking twice, I said, "Let's go in, see if I like it. If not, I'll leave.". Under circumstances that are not entirely clear, I entered the synagogue, and was 'magnetized' to the place I was in for the first time in my life. Upon entering the synagogue - despite the fact that it was Rosh Hashanah, and the seats are usually reserved, etc. - I was seated in a chair next to one of the avrechim. I didn't even bring a tallit from home, because I had no intention of praying in advance. They brought me a tallit, a siddur, and the avrechim I was sitting next to explained the prayer to me the entire time. I felt a very special feeling in prayer, a deep connection to God Almighty that I had never felt before. Every letter, every word, and every page in the siddur made me continue to pray. The special holiness of the synagogue, along with all the sacred objects, penetrated my bones. The cantor, the kneeling that seemed strange to me in 'Alinu Leshevah', and all the piyyutim, tesshilikh, etc. - all together made for a Rosh Hashanah I will never forget, and gave me the tools to strengthen myself during the Ten Days of Repentance, in preparation for the final judgment! This year I still have to see what I'll do. After all, who can hear me coughing for so many hours... Step by step So yes, not everything goes smoothly, and you don't repent in one day. It's a long process, which begins slowly. It started with me ceasing to desecrate Shabbat in public. I gave up going to the beach, traveling, and hiking on Shabbat. In the meantime, I continued to desecrate Shabbat in my private rooms, but on the other hand, I began to keep meat and milk – although not in separate containers. Later, I began to say short prayers every day, such as Psalms and "Shema Yisrael." Prayer gave me tremendous strength, but understanding the language of prayer took time. Only after a few spontaneous months, in which I took on a little more Shabbat work each time, such as writing, cutting, cooking, etc., did the first Shabbat in my life arrive that I kept as it was. Without a TV, a computer, disconnected from the world of technology. It turns out I survived. So I asked to disinfect all the household items and so on and so forth, everything was done in small steps, and if I were to detail the entire process it would take a long time... What is true, I also learn from mistakes, and think about certain things, such as the fact that most 'repentants' do so when accompanied by a third party, while I returned alone. למדתי את כל ההלכות לבד מקיצור שולחן ערוך. התמודדתי לבד עם הכל. אין זה סוד שחזרה בתשובה גורמת לחיכוכים בבית. אהיה כנה: אני מאמין שבחרתי בדרך הטובה ביותר לחיות את חיי, ואינני מצטער על כלום. What saddens me is the fact that we constantly promise ourselves to rise higher and higher in faith, in the grammar of Halacha, and set ourselves various and strange goals, which after Yom Kippur disappear, and are not fulfilled by us. I believe, with your permission, that we have a duty to conduct a true soul-searching with ourselves. Happy New Year and a happy finale.