It's hard to argue with the data: the divorce rate in the Haredi sector has risen dramatically in the last decade. The rise is, it turns out, significant: from 3.71% to 6.21% - a real increase of 67.61% [see, for example, here].
Why is this happening, and what are the causes? Are the percentages expected to increase? Is there a difference between the catalysts that lead to divorce in the secular population and those in the Haredi population?
I don't have the answers to these questions, and I'm not convinced that they are still in the research, but in the significant - some might say shocking - statistic about the growth in the percentage of divorcees, I find both good and comfort.
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Why? A social phenomenon, any phenomenon, may sometimes be perceived as deviant from the norm, as deviant from the right. Sometimes the deviation is maintained as such for years and perhaps generations, and sometimes social change occurs. When this happens - the phenomena that were perceived until now as clearly illogical become the obvious norm.
Example? Just try to imagine the ban imposed on women from participating in elections. The great rabbis considered this a serious deviation from the boundaries of halakhic law. Can anyone imagine such a reality today?
Divorce is no different in this sense. If in the past it was experienced as an extraordinary, terrible and destructive event - today, the high rate has somewhat 'normalized' the institution. So does this mean that divorce is a welcome commodity? The answer is no, of course, but in one respect the increasing and normalizing rate has a positive implication:
The impact on the children of divorcees.
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Nearly forty years ago, when my parents separated, I was the only child - apart from one friend - in the entire school whose parents were divorced.
Throughout the school.
The dominant spirit that blew upon me, and this one is probably impossible to forget, carried a message that there is a problem in your family. As if a stain had been cast upon the family. After all, the numbers don't lie: no one gets divorced, while in your own home the terrible event occurred.
I suffered quite a bit from this, and perhaps I will write about it another time.
I am not expressing a burst of joy over more Jewish homes being destroyed, I do express satisfaction with the growing recognition that this is not an event that harms the family in any way. This is not parental behavior that harms the child's psyche.
The increasing divorce rate perhaps indicates that the Haredi consciousness has internalized that there are cases in which the need to separate is acute, and that the best interests of the children demand it. I believe, intuitively without any research, that this is the direct cause of why in the past divorces were characterized by severe conflicts, great hostility, and incessant quarrels ['dirty divorces', not in my personal case], whereas today we witness separations that are done almost calmly and from a place of business based on the understanding that maintaining healthy relationships is critical for the child.
Since this understanding has become the lot of many, the children - who are already affected - may feel that they are not so exceptional, so unusual, so deviant. Here, in their class there are six boys and girls whose parents have separated, and their lives continue as usual.
Or almost as usual.
