Some of you may feel uneasy when you read my column this time.
""In our families, this won't happen," you'll tell yourself. "In secular families, where everything is possible and free, and life is free and open, divorce rates are high. But with us? When we find out so much beforehand, and investigate and demand the lineage and background, and even agree on terms for living and payments. Is it possible?""
So that's it. Yes!
In a survey I conducted a few months ago, I tried to discover why most couples do not seek counseling and guidance in the first year of marriage, and how it is that counseling brides and grooms has become a lucrative profession - and yet, 99% of couples do not bother to attend a counseling session after the wedding, even if it is offered to them for free.
The bewilderment was further strengthened by the fact that training brides and grooms before the wedding is like learning to swim on dry land, in an empty pool.
It's unpleasant to refuse.
I won't go into the detailed results of the investigation, but I will say that I was happy to discover that changes, even if minor, are happening all the time. Both for the better and, unfortunately, for the better.
But I prefer to talk about the good. The good that is expressed in the words of the Rabbi of Jerusalem who "signed" more than 25,000 divorces...
The Rabbi told me about a certain Hasidic girl who asked for a divorce, claiming that she "simply didn't like the way he looked...""
When the judges wondered how she remembered this now - "Didn't you see him at the meeting before the wedding?" - the girl innocently replied that the parents on both sides were standing outside the door with drinks and food, waiting to say congrats.
""I felt uncomfortable refusing," she said with the utmost seriousness.
And the rabbi continued to say that when the story reached the Rebbe of that Hasidic sect, he ordered a change in practice and a "lifetime" meeting to be scheduled between the families, just the day after the young man and woman met.
So who said there are no changes? They may be too slow. But they are happening. And in the shadow of the large increase in the number of divorces in our society, there is also a change and adaptation of the leadership to the current era.
The high number of divorces inevitably creates many problems, but the central problem is the place (or lack of place) of divorced women within the society in which they live.
Some already have children. Some still don't. Some have already received the long-awaited divorce and some have been waiting for a divorce for years.
Not pushing for divorce
A group of women who have experienced this firsthand have established an organization that assists divorced and delayed divorce women and their families. Since I have been busy lately collecting and compiling all the organizations headed by Haredi women into one body, I have tried to learn what the role of each organization is in the life of Haredi society.
Among the many women I support in my practice, there are also those who are going through a divorce. Among them are those who muster up the courage to seek my help and ask which organization can help them go through the process correctly.
''Mother of the Boys'. 'Wherever You Go'. 'Ma'ale'. 'Hands to the Woman' and more, are just some of the many associations established to ensure the personal, economic, occupational, family and mental well-being of Haredi women who have embarked on an unknown, unclear, long and tiring journey.
Here's what Payne Suknik, founder of an organization, told me: "Many women call for advice, encouragement, or just a kind word. We don't take action until the woman starts an official process. We don't push anyone to take the step of divorce.".
The Haredi associations will do everything, everything, to preserve the integrity of the home. Only when all else fails and there is no other choice, will they mobilize to provide help, refer, direct, recommend, and create a support group, and sometimes even provide financial assistance in difficult cases.
You live by necessity!
This week's torah begins with the words "When you go out to war against your enemy.".
The Gemara explains that this is about the War of Independence and that the soldiers of the House of David who go to war must write a divorce decree for their wives before going to war. So that in the event of a disaster, God forbid, the wife will not be left agunah.
Even today we are at war. The war of livelihood. The constant war against the stimuli and temptations outside. Danger lurks around the corner. There is no need to write a divorce for the spouse. There is a need to write a divorce for all the things that threaten family life.
In the business world, they say that when you are going to marry someone, that is, to close a deal. You have to calculate all the moves, including the move for a future divorce. Even the separation has to be agreed upon in advance, even before the wedding. Oops, the signing of the deal.
The Torah writes that you will go to war "on your enemy" and not "with your enemy." Because when a Jew goes to war knowing that God is with him, he is already against his enemy. The same is true in the war of instinct. When you know that you are accompanied by God's blessing and do everything to fulfill the will of God, you can be sure that you will defeat instinct. That you will defeat the war of existence that was forced upon you when you came into the world.
• Part of the column is based on the talks of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. The author is the owner of "My Choice", an event host, lecturer and radio broadcaster: [email protected]
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